Posted by: dutchimport | February 2, 2007

All rise…


To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Bush is happy to hand over all power to Queen Elizabeth II to clean up his mess

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

– You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
“No! One more time! Now listen, and look at my lips: noo-klee-er, NUCLEAR. Now you try!”

– The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’
and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the
suffix “ise.”

– You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you
May elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t
cope with correct pronunciation.

– Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

– There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

– You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The
Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

– You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
Lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown
up enough to handle a gun.

– Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

– All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

– All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

– You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

– The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
“beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as
“Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

– You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
“football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

– Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

– You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Now, all rise for the Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II of Great Brittain, Australia, and The United States of England (formerly known as the USA)

God Save the Queen (and may she save the citizens of the United States)



  1. Funny!

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